


Finding My Reason

by xxMad_Donaxx



Category: Dragon Age
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-06
Updated: 2013-01-07
Packaged: 2017-11-20 11:20:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 12,999
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/584849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xxMad_Donaxx/pseuds/xxMad_Donaxx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hawke, insecure and completly alone, struggles with living. After listening to a certain conversation between Anders and Fenris, he gives up.<br/>If you're triggered by attempted suicide, then you should skip this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I was thinking about this conversation the other day. Most Hawkes are confident and sure of themselves...but what if he wasn't?

_Wounded Coast…again…why have I come here…pleasant stroll with bandits and Qunari outcasts…_

“Did you ever think about killing yourself?”

_All the time…probably shouldn’t have brought you…you insist on keeping me alive…_

“I could ask you the same thing.”

_Would anyone even care I wonder…the only ones who might have are already gone… Father… Bethany… Mother… even Carver’s gone. I failed all of them…_

“I'm serious. To get out of slavery, to escape Danarius... don't tell me you never thought about it.”

_He’s not the type…_

“I did not. To kill one’s self is a sin in the eyes of the Maker.”

_That’s not why I haven’t…why should I care about what a god that abandoned me thinks is a sin…don’t know why I haven’t really…_

“You... believe that?”

_Why not…he’s the only one who puts up with Sebastian…_

“I try to. Some things must be worse than slavery.”

_Living with so many failures…death is the only thing I’m really good at…can’t even get that right sometimes…_

“Some things are worse than death.”

_Tranquility…sounds more like a blessing now…Anders would end this farce my life has become at least…with that little sun burned onto my forehead…_

“Are you all right Hawke?”

_Isabela…no I’m not all right…_ “Fine, let’s get this done.” _Smile…act like nothing’s wrong…be the leader they expect you to be…why do they even follow me…probably just get them killed too…_

***

“Hawke? Garrett? Are you up here?”

_What’s he doing here…maybe if I’m quiet he’ll go away…won’t matter in a bit anyway…so cold…_

“Hawke?”

_Go away…_

“Garrett?”

_He’s closer…maybe it’s too late…I hope so…_

“Maker’s breath! Garrett!”

***

Slowly I wake. There’s soft snoring still and I open my eyes. I’m still in the estate but I’ve been moved from Mother’s room to mine. I can feel the bandages wound tightly around both of my forearms from wrist to elbow. The covers are pulled up to my chin and I can feel the satin sheets tucked around me. I feel so weak and incredibly tired. He’s still here. The last voice I heard, full of fear, the only one of them who could have saved me. He is sleeping sitting on the floor, arms folded under his head on the mattress. His coat is across the chair behind him.

_Failed again… must have drained his mana…wonder why he bothered…so sleepy…_

***

I’m awake again. I don’t know how long I’ve slept. I can hear him breathing it’s so quiet, feel him touching my cheek.

“Please wake up Garrett.”

_Don’t want to… I can’t deal with it anymore…just want all of it to go away…_

“Garrett…”

_He sounds…sad… I wonder…_

“Why?” My voice is weak and quiet. I open my eyes, my vision filled by him.

“Thank the Maker!”

_Why would he be relieved…I’m worthless…_

He disappears for a moment, pulling the covers down slightly. He sits at the edge of the bed, arm around my shoulders helping me to sit up.

“Drink this.”

He holds a cup to my lips and I obediently sip at the water.

“I found you just in time…”

_How long has it been since someone held me like this…it feels…nice…_

“I’m so glad I found you.”

His concern is confusing. Even though nothing has really changed, it’s comforting, being held.

_Thought you didn’t care…always pushing me away…I’ll just hurt you Hawke…probably end up the other way round even if you hadn’t…I don’t seem to be good for the people I care about…_

“I’m tired.” My voice is still quiet.

“Yes, you’re going to be for a while. Drink some more water, then you can rest.”

His voice is also soft but strong. Caring and commanding, so I sip more of the water. He gently lays me down after setting the cup on the nightstand. I can still feel him near after he pulls the covers back up to my chin.

_He didn’t answer…_

***

There is a fire blazing in the hearth the next time he coaxes me awake. I’m still tired but strong enough to sit up on my own. He helps me eat some broth and then does more healing. I stay quiet while he works, still wondering why he’s bothering. He unwraps the bandages, inspecting his work, running his fingers lightly down the scars that now grace my arm from wrist to nearly elbow.

_Another reminder of my failures…like this empty house…_

“Why are you doing this?” I have to know.

He doesn’t speak, only a heavy sad sigh. Still sitting on the edge of my bed he pulls up the sleeves of his shirt, holding his arms out for me to see. His hands are balled into loose fists, his arms palm up and it’s not all that surprising to see scars on his arm. They are light, faded by time, but nearly identical to the angry red scars that line my arms.

_That’s why he never takes his shirt off…_

“I understand.” He pulls his sleeves back down. “I don’t know exactly what you’re going through. Our experiences differ greatly but you do have people who care about you.”

“Liar.” I can’t stand the hurt and guilt in his eyes and I look away from him.

“You know better than that Garrett Hawke.” His voice is firm but still kind. “I knew this was partly my fault.”

_His fault…how is it his fault that I’m an utter failure…_

He stands abruptly and heads to the door. As he opens it, he turns to me, determined, concerned. “This probably isn’t the best time for a confession…but I’ve loved you for a very long time. By keeping you at arm’s length I’ve helped to cause what I was trying to avoid. Don’t try anything, I’ll be right back.”

_I wouldn’t succeed anyway…you won’t let me die…_

I sink back down under the satin sheets and roll onto my side, facing away from the chair he had dragged over. I would still rather be with them, in the fade, than stuck here. I can’t help but wonder about his confession. He pushed me away and I gave up.

_Just one more thing I can’t get right…_

I close my eyes. I’m still so very tired.

***

He doesn’t bring it up again and I don’t either. I do know better, he’s a terrible liar. He’s always here though. Helping me, making sure that the physical damage I caused healed properly. My heart still hurts. I still feel like a worthless failure. I still want to die.

One by one they visit, even Merrill and Fenris. I’ve never gotten along with either very well. He sits at the desk while they sit in the chair at my bedside. All sympathetic, all want to know why but too afraid to ask, well wishes from everyone.

_Aveline knows…she won’t say anything in front of him though…_

I try to shrug it off, act like it’s just another day. It’s hard. No one believes it. I see the looks they give him. Take care of him Anders their eyes say even when their voices are silent. Their concern is touching and it proves some of his words. It does help a little. The fire is blazing now, and our dinner tray is sitting outside of the closed door. He sits in his chair watching me.

“Do you want to talk?” His voice is warm and concerned. There isn’t much sympathy however.

_No…_ “About?”

“Why.”

I stay silent. He nods like my silence is expected. Leaning forward in the chair, elbows on his knees, staring at the rug between his feet. The fire pops, it’s crackling the only sound in the room, until he begins speaking again.

“I was fourteen.” He traces along the scar hidden by his shirt sleeve with one hand. I pull mine down over my hands. “I snuck a kitchen knife out, broke into an enchanters room. Torn from my mother, Father didn’t care, just another apprentice no one cared about. Even then I was a troublemaker. Escaped twice, caught, dragged back and then punished. Death had to be better than the friendless prison I lived in. Karl found me.”

_Like you found me…_

“Don’t let them win Anders, he said. Don’t make their job easier. I didn’t understand at first. He was patient, smoothed things over with Irving and Greagior. Just knowing that someone did care gave me enough to keep going until I did understand.”

“Why did you come here?”

“I was worried.”

“Why?”

“You’ve been…distant…since your mother died.”

_Will that ever stop hurting…her death…I miss her so much…_

“I came hoping I could help.” He sits back suddenly and stares at the ceiling. “If I hadn’t been so stubborn…hadn’t kept pushing you away…perhaps I might have been able to help then…”

_Perhaps if I’d been more persistent…I wouldn’t be alone now…_


	2. Chapter 2

I don’t know how he could have helped. I failed her so completely not just once but twice. No, more than that. I failed her when Bethany died. She blamed me. I didn’t stop the ogre, couldn’t heal her.

_I wish I’d died in her place…_

I should have listened to her when she begged me not to take Carver with. Maybe he would have lived if I hadn’t gone, if I had hidden instead.

_Should have just turned myself in…saved them all the trouble…_

“Go to sleep Hawke.”

_No one uses my first name anymore…_

***

I spend quite a bit of time in his clinic for the next few weeks. I can’t stand the empty house and Bodahn’s constant hovering. Orana seems more frightened of me than she was before. They have all tried to get me to talk to them. I’ve been avoiding Aveline. I fear the scolding she’ll give me.

_She’s been busy with that Qunari business anyway…trying to clean up the mess I made of their kidnapped delegate…_

He’s only ever asked me once. The others have tried many times. Varric and Isabela are subtle, Fenris direct, Merrill’s attempts are sort of sweet but I think Sebastian’s are the most annoying. I haven’t talked with any of them. I don’t know what to say. How do you tell someone that their following an incompetent fool?

Sometimes I end up in his clinic to escape them. On good days I try to help, with varying degrees of success. On bad days I hide in the little corner of the clinic that is his. His clinic is always busy and generally noisy, perfect for hiding from the things I don’t want to think about.

_Their faces…all the mistakes I’ve made…a closet full of brand new long sleeved shirts…_

Anders has been patient with me. He always seems to know when I need to hide and when I need to be distracted from my own morose thoughts. He doesn’t pry or push like the others sometimes do. He’s simply there, with an understanding smile or a friendly arm around my shoulders. I know I can’t hide from the world forever, but I’m not sure I can face it. I don’t fit anywhere, I never have.

I’ve gotten a letter from the Viscount today. He’s asked me to stop by and talk with him, wants my help with something.

_Maker, if you’re out there, please don’t let me screw this up…_

***

_Couldn’t help…never fast enough…not clever enough…another person I’ve failed and now he is dead too…_

***

Drunk, I’m not sure where I am. Everything’s blurry and I can’t remember what I wanted to forget. I’m babbling to the person trying to keep me on my feet but I don’t remember what I say as soon as I say it. There are lots of stairs. If it weren’t for…whoever…I’d have fallen down them long ago.

_Pity…might have broken my neck…_

There is a pair of fuzzy doors amongst the gloom and I’m led through one of them. Someone is speaking though I don’t really understand what he’s saying. My escort is talking now, handing me off to whomever they’ve brought me to. A different arm around my waist, my arm held around a different neck and I start babbling to them. I’m being lowered now, my head resting on something sort of soft and I watch the room spin above me. Eventually, I fall asleep.

***

Cautiously I open my eyes. My head is pounding and I feel very sick to my stomach. He fills my vision and I’m forced to remember the last time I woke and saw nothing but his blonde hair and concerned brown eyes. Like then, I wish I had never woken up.

“Finally awake.”

“How did I get here?” I’m in his clinic but that’s not the last place I remember. I was at home, trying to drown another failure in a wine bottle.

“Aveline brought you here after Bodahn went and found her.”

I sigh and roll onto my side, away from him. He pats my shoulder and I can feel him moving away. I’m not entirely sure the hangover is worth one forgotten night.

_How does Fenris deal with this constantly...he always seems so confident…_

***

I finally had to talk with Aveline. She took me home that afternoon. She did scold me but not for what I expected. I was admonished for avoiding her and trying to drown myself in booze. After she leaves, I hide myself in my room. I’ve been down to the kitchen once or twice in the middle of the night the last few days. I keep the door locked, won’t answer it.

_If I don’t do anything I can’t fail at it…_

They won’t leave me alone. Why don’t they understand? I’ve thought about trying again but there is someone pounding on the door so often that I don’t think it would work. I can barely sleep anymore. Somehow I’ve managed to keep the demons away but I don’t know how much longer I can do it.

_Tranquil…no more feelings…no more demons…they’ll take care of me…_

***

When I do finally emerge from my empty house, it’s through the cellar into Darktown. His doors are closed and the lamps dark. I haven’t spoken with any of my friends for a week. They have all been at the estate many times. I can’t stand the thought of getting one of them killed and I’ve come to a decision.

I’m glad he isn’t at his clinic. I know he would try to stop me. I’m going to the Gallows to do what I probably should have done as soon as I arrived in Kirkwall. I’ll turn myself in and beg them to make me Tranquil.

_Carver could have saved Mother…he wouldn’t have had to go to the Deep Roads to his death if I’d been in the Gallows…_

It’s late when I reach the docks but the ferry is still running so I take my last ride across the water. I feel only relief, soon I’ll feel nothing at all…one way or another. The sun is sitting just above the horizon when I step off of the ferry. I’m so focused on getting to one of the Templars that are always here I don’t notice the people around me, even when I bump into them.

“Hawke!”

The voice is familiar and he grabs my arm. I try to shake off his grip and keep going, determined to do something right despite the protests he will make. His grip is strong though and I am forced to turn and face him.

“Let me go Anders.”

“Not until you tell me what you’re doing here.” His voice is suspicious. “You haven’t let anyone see you since Seamus Dumar’s death and now you’re here?”

“Please.” My voice is shaking and I can’t help the whine it has acquired. “You wouldn’t let me die…I just want…”

“Garrett, no.”

He pulls me back to the ferry and I don’t protest or try to get away. I feel tears welling in the corner of my eyes and I can’t stop them from falling.

_Even when he’s angry with me…I think I like the way he says my name…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thought of this at work after I posted this latest chapter. Anders isn't actually angry with Garrett. A little horrified and a whole lot worried, but not angry.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I started this I wasn't entirely sure they would end up together but now I think that they will.

When I wake, he is still asleep. I feel numb in every sense. His arms are around me, sleeping against the doors of his clinic, his cheek resting against the top of my head. I followed him blindly, his hand clamped firmly around mine as tears stream down my cheeks. When we reached his home I could go no further, collapsing to my knees just inside the door. My legs are under me as I stay seated between his. At some point he worked his coat off while I wept, covering both of us against the chill of Darktown.

I don’t want to move but I need to badly. My feet and legs are asleep but I stay still. The feathers on his coat tickle my cheek. I take a deep breath, taking in the clean scent of him that is under the smell of elfroot. Most of me still wants to join my family in the Fade. But there is a small part of me that wonders what he sees in me.

_Maybe if I could see what he sees…_

Finally I try to pull away but his arms tighten around me for a moment before he yawns and stretches. I straighten my legs, wincing at the pain and sit on the floor of his clinic slumped over with my hands in my lap. The coat falls to the floor as he moves and soon I can feel him kneading my calves with his hands while I wiggle my toes. He is quiet and so am I.

“I’m sorry.” I’m not sure what I’m apologizing for even as I say it.

“Don’t be.” He is firm but kind. “I don’t mind helping a friend who needs it.” Anders stands and offers me his hand. I stare at it for a moment, wondering why he would want to help the pathetic person I’ve become.

_Oh don’t lie to yourself…I’ve always been pathetic…_

Slowly I reach up and take his hand and he pulls me to my feet. He supports me as I wobble unsteadily on legs that are still full of pins and needles. “Please talk to me Garrett. What drove you to the Gallows?”

“Why were you there?” I avoid answering him, unsure of his reaction. The numbness I feel inside cracks a little as I realize I don’t want to chase him away.

“Errands.” His answer is evasive but his voice gains a small pleading note as he continues. “I’ll understand if you’d rather talk with someone else but please Garrett…let _someone_ in.”

_He has kept me whole twice now…held me while we slept sitting against a door…what do I have to lose really…_

“Where should I start?” I truly don’t know. I’ve always felt inadequate but my consistent failures lately have only proven just how worthless I am.

He leads me over to the nearest cot and we sit. “Anywhere you want to. I just want to help.”

I begin with Mother’s death after a while because that’s when he noticed a problem. It’s possible that the feelings I am plagued with now began long before that but it’s her death that made my failures intolerable. I start slowly but soon words are pouring out of me at an alarming rate. He is mostly quiet while I try and explain why I can’t stand myself anymore. When I finally fall quiet I have no idea how long we’ve been sitting here but my throat is dry and I’m just as miserable as I was before.

“You’re not a complete failure, Garrett.” He puts his arm around my shoulders and I lean into him. “There are plenty of people you’ve helped over the years.”

“Not when it mattered the most.”

“It mattered to them. What would have happened to that mage boy…Feyn something…if you hadn’t gotten him away from the slavers? Or helped him master his fear in the Fade?”

“I don’t know. Why couldn’t I save Mother? Or Carver or Bethany? I couldn’t even help my father when he fell ill.”

“You did all you could for your mother. I don’t know about your father and sister but there was almost nothing you could have done for Carver. You don’t recover from the blight sickness.”

“Almost?”

“The only way to cure the blight sickness isn’t really a cure. It’s more of a stay of execution. Becoming a Grey Warden will keep you alive but there’s no guarantee the person will survive the process. I shouldn’t be saying any of this.”

I’m not sure what to focus on first. That if I had brought Anders to the Deep Roads Carver might be alive or the subtle implication that he was dying. Both are troubling. I’m not sure why the thought of Anders dying bothers me so much when all I want is to leave him behind.

“Let’s get you home. You look wrung out. Get some good food in you and some more rest. You look like you’ve been getting less sleep than I usually do.”

Suddenly I don’t want to be alone. ”Will…will you stay with me?” _Selfish…_

“If you want me to.” His smile is warm as he pulls me to my feet.

I don’t tell him about the cellar entrance not far away. I try not to think as we make our way to the estate in Hightown. Bodahn hovers more in his worry. I didn’t leave anything indicating where I was going, simply disappeared. After a small meal he draws a bath for me. He leaves me to my privacy but I know he’s just outside the door, listening and waiting. It’s comforting in a way but the numbness has crept back and I’m just not sure what I should feel anymore.

As I dress, I can hear a commotion downstairs. Anders follows me to the foyer where I can see Aveline and Isabela beginning a fight. The distraction from my confused thoughts and feelings is very welcome but the more I learn from them the more dismayed I become. They both want my help.

_I did promise and the Qunari mess is partly my fault anyway…_

I sigh heavily when they finish. “I think you’re both crazy for wanting my help with anything. We’ll go find Isabela’s book first.”

“You don’t have to do this Hawke.” Anders is behind me when he speaks and I can’t tell if he’s annoyed or angry, or even who it’s directed at.

_Hawke again…_

“Anders…” I hold my hand up to stop Aveline’s angry rant and she falls silent.

“It’s all right Anders. I promised to help find the relic and it’s partly my fault the Qunari are being difficult.”

“No it’s not! You can’t control what other people do!”

“I haven’t been able to stop them either.”

Aveline and Isabela are quiet behind us as we face one another. He sends a glare at the women over my shoulder before folding his arms across his chest. “I’m going with you.”

“I’ll be right out.”

_I wonder how this is going to end…whose turn is it die…_

***

Isabela’s betrayal hurts but she did come back with the book. The relic she stole from the Qunari. How many could have been saved if I could have found the bloody thing and given it back before things finally reached the breaking point? Seamus Dumar almost certainly and all the poor people that died in that alley. I wasn’t fast enough to save Viscount Dumar but he is with Seamus now. I hope they can work out their differences now that they are together again. My latest adventure wasn’t a total failure however. I managed to save most of the nobles and Isabela.

I have no idea how I did it, but their Arishok respected me. Accepting his challenge was the only way I could see to save Isabela. It was nothing short of miraculous that I won. Anders has managed to keep me alive again but at what cost? We are apostates…and Knight-Commander Meredith now knows it.

_He should have let me die…he would still be safe at least…_

There will be no quick recovery for me this time, or for Kirkwall. He did what he could then but my wounds were extensive. I’m not sure if I’m awake or dreaming now but I know I’ve been moved to the estate.

_Champion of Kirkwall…I’m not a champion…confused, frightened and very lonely…_

***

He is changing the bandages on my arm when I wake. There is pain but it’s nothing compared to the agony I was in after the fight. He is gentle and efficient. I watch as he moves around the bed, checking the wounds and changing the dressings. When there is only the large bandage around my midsection left he finally looks at my face, seeing that I’m now awake.

“I’m not sure if that was brave, noble or foolish.”

_I’m not sure either…_

He falls quiet when I don’t answer. He helps me to sit after a moment and changes the bandage around my middle. After he helps me back down, his fingers run lightly along the cloth covering the ugly wound the Arishok’s sword left in my gut. His expression was pained for a brief moment and his voice was soft.

“I nearly died when he did this.”

“Anders…” I’m not sure what to say and I fall silent again.

His eyes close and he begins muttering. It’s still so quiet in my room I can hear him clearly. “Distraction…selfish…I don’t care…I can’t…” His eyes open suddenly and he takes my hand gently. “Please don’t do anything like that again.”

It surprises me, the range of emotions clear in that quiet statement, fear, sorrow, longing. The way he holds my hand, fragile like I’ll break if he clutches too tightly, even his slumped posture and the way he won’t meet my eyes. He’s seen me at my worst and I’ve seen him at his worst but his defeated posture hurts in the same confusing way that knowing he might be slowly dying does.

“I won’t.”

_I have to know...what he sees in me…_


	4. Chapter 4

I’ve been bed ridden for a couple of weeks. For another week the only place I venture is with him to his clinic. We’ve been going through the cellar. I showed him the first day I was allowed out of the house. Anders hasn’t always been at my side. For the first few days he was but after it was clear that I would pull through he returned to his clinic during the day. He’s spent every night since at the estate. I’m not sure if it’s because I asked him to stay with me before the Arishok or because he was so clearly distraught over my condition. Either way, I fear the day when it will be just me again.

_So many empty rooms…not sure if I dare ask him to fill at least one of them permanently…_

He has continued talking with me and has brought up several more things I haven’t failed at. I have to admit that there are several times I’ve been able to help. I’m still having a hard time not thinking of myself as a failure. It’s hard because when it mattered most to me I have failed. Not just in Kirkwall but my whole life. I’m the eldest and they had such high expectations of me. I think I disappointed my parents more often than not. I don’t know what they wanted in a son but it certainly wasn’t me.

_Shy…untalented…emotional…Bethany was always the better mage and Carver had been the better man…I have no idea what he was always so jealous of…_

The others have visited frequently. I guess I should say all of them except Isabela. She was my first visitor after Anders would let them in. She was mad at me. After a screaming match, she left and no one has seen her since. I don’t understand why she was so angry with me. I couldn’t just let the Arishok take her. Not without at least trying to prevent it. I’m not sure what to make of it either. I managed to finally succeed at something and somehow still failed.

They all know about my failed suicide attempt but I think Anders is the only one who knows that I tried to turn myself in. Now that all of Kirkwall knows I’m an apostate, that option is ironically closed to me. If I turned myself in to Meredith, she’d probably insist on bringing in Anders as well and I can’t stand the thought of him in there. I think it would kill him just as surely as a knife in his heart.

Anders has insisted that I can’t hide in the estate or his clinic for much longer. Varric says that the people of Kirkwall need to see their Champion. I’m honestly afraid. Since Mother’s death, Bodahn has taken care of most of the letters and invites that come to the estate.

_I wish I was more like one of the characters Varric writes about…dashing, handsome, confident, always knows just what to say…_

The little desk in the foyer is now piled with letters that he can’t keep up with. I’ve tried to read through some of them but I just can’t. I don’t know how to respond, or how to meet their expectations. I’ve seen several from the women Mother tried to marry me off to. What a prize I must seem to them now. They weren’t very interested when I was just an upstart dog lord.

_I wasn’t ever brave enough to tell Mother that I don’t really like girls…I couldn’t tell them either…_

I’m going out today, mostly because everyone expects it. I don’t want to but I feel that I have to. Anders has already gone and I spend quite a lot of time standing in front of my closet. Most of my clothes would be suitable for Feastday in Lothering, though they are finely tailored. I do have a few fancy things that Mother forced on me when she coerced me into going on dates or to parties. I haven’t touched them since she died. There’s been no reason to. I just can’t bring myself to wear them now either. I settle for a pair of loose fitting trousers that won’t cut into my gut and a dark blue shirt, the cuffs buttoned tightly around my wrists. After tucking in the shirt I stand in front of my mirror.

_I don’t look like a champion…I just look like me…_

I sigh heavily as I turn away and head out of my room. Sitting in the foyer as I pull my boots on I stare at the pile of letters on the desk, turning away from them as I stand. I stop at the front door, my hand resting on the handle. I don’t know if I can face this.

_Stop being such a coward…put your happy face on and get it over with…_

***

If that’s what I have to look forward to every time I leave the estate, I think I’d rather become a hermit. The grateful adoration, the kind words from every person I meet. I almost prefer the disdainful condescension I got before the whole mess. That, at least didn’t feel quite so fake. I was just as bad as they were though. My cheeks hurt from smiling, accepting their praise graciously and all the handshakes.

_Maker forbid they know how unhappy I really am…_

***

As more time goes by it gets easier to deal with them. At least I’m not mobbed every time I leave the estate now. This is a good thing because I spend very little time there. I knew it would happen. Anders has gone back to sleeping in his clinic. It’s too empty. I can’t pass my mother’s room without my arms itching. My footsteps echoing in the hall fills me with sorrow.

I still go there, to his clinic. I do what I can to help him. When there are no patients he still talks to me but I am no closer to seeing what he sees. I can feel the despair setting in again and I’m desperate to figure something out. I’ve decided to ask him straight out.

_I’ll probably just scare him away again…_

I’ve been at the clinic for most of the day and I now have a perfect opportunity. “Anders, why do you put up with me?”

“Put up with you?” I’m sitting on one of the cots and he sits tiredly next to me. “I like it when you come down and help.”

“Even though I’m not very good at it?”

“You’ve improved a lot over the last few months.”

“Have I? I hadn’t noticed.” There are so many things I want to say but I can’t seem to get them out.

_I’m so afraid he’ll push me away like he did before…afraid of losing the fragile hold he’s given me…_

“Is there something wrong?”

His voice is soft and his eyes concerned. I remember his confession of love. I think of him brushing his fingers lightly over the bandage around my stomach and how his voice shook. I remember waking with his arms around me.

“Why did you push me away?” The words are out before I’d really decided to say them.

He closes his eyes for a moment then looks at his hands, clasped loosely between his knees as he leans forward. “I thought that I would only end up hurting you. You’ve seen what I am…what I’m capable of.”

_Yes…it was sort of frightening…but am I that different…_

“I figured such a handsome person like you would have no trouble finding someone else…someone who is more…stable.”

_That’s just flattery…I’ve got to be the dullest looking person in Kirkwall...I’m not exactly stable either…_

“You’ve never even tried to get anyone else…have you.”

“My mother set me up with some people.” He turns his head and we gaze at each other for mere moments before I drop my eyes.

“Blind dates don’t count.”

“No.” My voice is soft but I know he hears me. I can feel his fingers, turning and lifting my head until we are looking at each other once more.

“I’ve seen the way they look at you…Fenris, Merrill, Isabela…all you would have had to do is crook your finger and any of them would have jumped into your bed. Fenris and Merrill probably still would. So why haven’t you?”

“I…I’ve never…had…” _Maker’s breath man stop speaking…there’s no need to advertise more of your shortcomings…and how did he turn this around so efficiently…_

I watch his eyes grow wide as my cheeks heat. His fingers leave my chin and it’s a great challenge not to flee. I do drop my eyes back to my lap though.

“You’re a virgin?”

Instead of a verbal answer I nod my head. There have been a few opportunities to rut with someone but I usually end up running away. Chronic shyness and my magic have prevented me from exploring that area. I’m not even brave enough to visit the Rose.

_Carver did...I’ve thought about it…I just couldn’t though…_

“That’s…not exactly what I wanted to know. Why haven’t you flirted with anyone besides me?”

“There weren’t many opportunities in Lothering. I was too busy hiding and trying to not cast random spells whenever I got nervous.”

“So why haven’t you approached anyone else here in Kirkwall?”

_I don’t want anyone else…_ “I just didn’t think anyone else was interested.”

“Garrett, I know you couldn’t have missed Isabela’s advances.”

“I don’t really like women. I’ve fooled around enough to figure that out at least.”

The clinic was quiet for a moment before he sighed and sat back. With his arm around my shoulders he gives me a brief hug. “Let me guess, I shot you down and you didn’t think you could get anyone else as well.”

“Partially.” I leave the rest unsaid. He figured out most of it. I’m sure he knows the rest.


	5. Chapter 5

Silence falls. His arm is still around my shoulders and I tentatively lean in to his embrace. He doesn’t push me away. We sit there in a comfortable silence, unbroken by patients, while I try to work up the courage to ask him to move into the estate. He breaks the quiet first, his voice soft and gentle yet firm.

“Garrett, it makes me happy that you’re trying. If you want me in your life as more than a good friend…then I won’t push you away or say no. You mean more to me than I could ever hope to explain…but I can’t be you’re only reason for living.”

“Anders…” I fall silent when his finger is pressed to my lips and I turn to face him.

His smile is sad as he turns as well. “One way or another…I will leave you alone someday.”

“Because you’re a Grey Warden?”

“The process makes us immune to the darkspawn taint. But we’re not immune forever. Besides that…there’s Justice…”

“I…I don’t care about Justice.” I hate the way my voice shakes. It sounds like a plea and I shut my mouth, locking everything else I want to say behind my lips.

“You don’t sound very sure.” He cups my jaw and rubs his thumbs on my cheekbones.

_I am…please believe me…I am…_

I take a deep breath and lean forward, stopping when our foreheads touch. “He frightens me. But…he’s a part of you…” His hands are warm and I can feel the calluses on them, the same ones that are on my hands as I lift them to his shoulders. “Move in with me.”

“Promise me you’ll keep searching.” His voice is little more than a whisper.

“I promise.”

_He loves…I know he does…he sees something worth saving…I want to know what he sees…_

“Yes.” With his hands still cupping my jaw, he backs away a tiny bit. Tilting his head slightly he leans forward, pressing his lips to mine. Gentle and brief but my heart skips a beat and leaps into my throat. I clutch desperately to his shoulders, not sure if I want to pull him back or push him away.

He smiles and pulls me into an embrace, one arm around my back and the other hand at the back of my head. Both of my arms are now around him, my chin resting on his shoulder and I slowly relax. His next question is spoken softly, directly in my ear.

“Do you want me to sleep with you?”

“Yes…no! Well yes but…oh Maker…”

_In my bed yes…the other way too, just not right now…one emotional leap at a time…_

I try to break away from him. I know my cheeks are flushed again from embarrassment but he holds me tightly. He chuckles quietly and releases me only after I’ve stopped trying to get away. Holding my shoulders he smiles patiently.

“I suppose I could have worded that better. I only meant sleep in the same bed.”

Feeling slightly relieved I nod. The clinic door opens moments later and Anders sends another smile to me over his shoulder as he stands. He walks over to the person who’d come in while I sit on the cot, trying to collect my scattered wits. Giving it up as a lost cause I eventually stand and walk to him. I wait for him to finish then lightly touch his shoulder.

“I’m going home…to let Bodahn and Orana know. I’ll see you there?” I don’t want the last sentence to be a question but it happens anyway.

_I’m half scared he’ll change his mind…_

“I’ll be there.”

A few more people are climbing the stairs outside of his clinic and rather than go up through the cellar, I take the long way home. Mostly I’m happy but there is doubt. There’s not much I can offer him besides coin that I don’t really know what to do with. If he were interested in coin he wouldn’t run a free clinic in Darktown.

When I arrive home I tell Bodahn that Anders will be staying with us and to please tell Orana. After, I retire to the study with my doubts and worries. One drink to soothe my frayed nerves turns into three and when he finds me just before dinner, I’m definitely tipsy. I drain the last of my wine as he approaches. I can’t help the large grin I give him, I’m just really happy that he actually came.

“You’re here!”

“Were you afraid I wouldn’t come?” He plucks the glass from my hand and sets it on a side table.

I nod as I attempt to stand. I take his arm but I fall back to the chair in an uncoordinated tangle of limbs because I’ve pulled him down on top of me. I can’t stop the giggles that escape me as he sorts us out. Anders ends up on his knees in front of the chair.

_Perhaps I’m a bit past tipsy…never could hold liquor very well…_

Anders shakes his head and pats my knee affectionately as he stands. “Let’s get you upstairs.”

“What…what about dinner?”

“I’ll have Orana bring it up. I think you could use a bath first though. Sit there and I’ll be back.”

I sit back in the chair trying to will the alcoholic fog in my brain away, hoping I haven’t disappointed him already. When he comes back, I’m feeling slightly better. I lean on him a little more than necessary as we climb the stairs and head into the bathing chamber. He helps me undress and the warm water feels nice on my clammy skin. I only feel a little self-conscious because he’s seen what’s under my smallclothes before. His arms are folded along the edge with his chin resting atop them and he simply watches me.

_Probably making sure I don’t fall in and drown…_

He is quiet and I gradually relax, soaking in the warm water. Soon I’m starting to feel sleepy. My head is still pleasantly fuzzy from the wine, just enough so that my fears and doubts are easily ignored. I hardly notice when he moves from his station beside the tub. He comes back with a large fuzzy towel and helps me out. Still dripping, the towel wrapped around my waist he leads me silently to my bedroom.

“You stay here, get dried off and dressed. I’ll go get us some dinner.”

I nod and he closes the door behind him. I only make a token effort at drying myself off before dropping the towel to the floor. Sitting on my bed, thinking I should find my nightclothes, I find a pillow that hadn’t been there before. Picking it up I run my hands along faded embroidery and then bring it closer to my nose. I take a deep breath and I know it’s his. It smells like him, that same clean scent mixed with elfroot. Not knowing where he’d hidden it, I lay on top of the covers, his treasure clutched to my chest.

_He’s really staying…I’m not alone…_

I’m mostly asleep when he returns and only minimally aware of him working the covers out from under me. When I open my eyes next, soft dawn light is shining through the window. I’m immediately aware of him. We are both on our side our legs tangled together, his bare chest against my bare back. His arm is draped over my side, his long elegant fingers splayed on top of the covers just in front of my chest. I can feel his deep even breathing as his chest moves against my back.

I think about turning so that I can see him but I stay still. For now there is no worry. Even though I’ve slept the whole night nude and I suspect he might be as well, his presence is comforting. I never realized before that moment how much being alone bothered me. Carver and I often shared a bed when there was little room in whatever place we called home. When Templars were about Bethany and I were hidden together. Most of my childhood days before my magic manifested were spent with Mother and after, with Father.

_Carver’s death…was that the beginning…or was it the end in a long line of things that sent me plummeting…_

His dire words return to me, that he will eventually leave me alone. At this moment, I think I would want nothing more than to follow him. But I promised him that I would live. Perhaps finding my reason to live will be easier now, without the crushing loneliness.

_I hope so…I’d hate to disappoint him too…_

“I swear there was more space between us when I fell asleep.” His voice is soft, filled with sleepy lethargy but he makes no effort to move.

“It’s all right. Will you be going to the clinic?”

“As soon as I can make myself move.”

_Don’t hurry…_ “Stay for breakfast at least?”

“I think I can manage that.”

Neither of us moves for quite a while. After breakfast, I walk with him through the cellars and after another brief kiss he is through the door. I make my way slowly back up. There’s much to think on but first I’m going to try going through some of the pile of letters, do a few things I’ve been neglecting.


	6. Chapter 6

He’s come home every night since the first. Sometimes it’s late and I’m already in bed, he tries not to wake me but I’m usually awake anyway. We always wake pressed together somehow. It’s usually on our sides with him curled around me.

_Like he’s protecting me or comforting me even in his sleep…maybe he just likes cuddling…_

I have offered to buy him some nightclothes, he doesn’t have any but he merely shook his head. He told me that before he would simply take his coat off and fall onto his cot. Here, most of the time he sleeps in his small clothes. I have bought him a few things to replace the threadbare clothes he wore. He protested little for which I am glad.

Even though we’ve been together for a month, sleeping in the same bed and sharing most morning and evening meals, he hasn’t pressed me once for sex. There’s been kissing and he encourages me to touch, but he doesn’t go further than where I lead. I’m not at all sure what I expected but it certainly wasn’t for him to be content like this. I’ve heard the stories Isabela told and I find them somewhat intimidating.

_He’s done so many things…if Isabela was telling the truth…she must have been…he said once that he used to be just like her…_

I can’t imagine what I have to offer him and I’m not really any closer to finding out. Anders seems happy though. Seeing him happy, his smile, it makes me glad in an unexpected way.

_I just hope I can keep him smiling…_

Over the last month I’ve been able to keep up with the letters. I still spend quite a bit of time in his clinic but I’ve been slowly adding things. At first it was mostly fetching whatever plant the herbalist in the Gallows needed. He is encouraging me to do more, things like I used to do. I’m not confident at all about that. I’m still afraid of failing and getting someone else killed. Anders isn’t the only one encouraging that either, Varric, Fenris and Aveline are too. I can’t help but wonder at their reasons but I think they care about me.

I have done a bit of side work with Aveline this last week. That turned out fine. I’ve also noticed, since he brought it to my attention, that my healing skills have improved quite a bit. I’ll never be as good as he is but it’s impossible to ignore the simple fact that I’m getting better at it.

_It gives me some hope…if I can improve there, then perhaps I can get better at other things too…_

I’ve been thinking a lot lately. In my efforts to hide, I was unknowingly improving my skills. How can I do that on purpose? Will it help?

_It certainly couldn’t hurt but Maker…where would I even start…_

***

It’s been a slow day at the clinic and I’m glad I chose to come here today. I simply can’t decide which part of myself to work on first. There are simply too many things I don’t like. Things I’ve either ignored or hadn’t known about until recently. I’m hoping that by improving my faults, perhaps I’ll feel better about myself. Since I don’t know where to start I thought I’d ask him.

“Anders…If you could…change…something about me, what would it be?” We are standing next to each other, him stirring a batch of elfroot potions and me attempting to clean up the table from preparing the elfroot. I am not looking directly at him but I see the odd look he gives me.

“Change?” His voice is cautious, like he’s stepping through a room full of snakes that might strike at any moment. “How do you mean?”

“Perhaps improve would be a better word.”

“Garrett.” He gently turns my head with his fingers on my chin. Forced to look at him, there is enough concern in his eyes to match his voice. “Tell me what you’re thinking.”

I sigh, leaving the rag on the table and turn so that I face him. “Since you’ve pointed out my healing skills have improved…I’ve been wondering if I could…I don’t know…”

“Ah, I think I see. Help me get this to the fire.” Between us, we lift the heavy pot off of the table and set it carefully onto the fire. With that done he turns back to me. “You want me to tell you which of your faults to change.” After I nod he shakes his head ruefully. “I can’t Garrett. I don’t see the same faults you do.”

_What…that doesn’t make any sense…_

He steers me to a cot and I sit. He sits next to me and takes my hand in his. “I…don’t understand.”

“You’ve told me before that it’s your fault Carver died in the Deep Roads. Now tell me why.”

“I should have known, should have done something, and should have prevented it…somehow.”

“There’s no way you could have known, there was nothing you could have done and it’s my understanding that the four of you took my advice.”

“We did. We kept rags handy, had several crates of them. Burned the soiled ones. After Wesley…the three of us knew what sort of dangers were down there.”

“You did what you could to prevent it, so how is it your fault?”

“I…” _am still confused…_ “…don’t…know.”

“You see fault where I see bad luck.”

_Could it really be that simple…but no…_ “I’m the eldest. She was counting on me to get him home safely.”

“And I know you tired your best. I still don’t see how his death is your fault.”

“I could have left him at home…or brought you with…you could have saved him…”

“Maybe I could have. It’s just as likely that I couldn’t have. You can’t spend the rest of your life wondering ‘what if’. What if I’d gone to Gwaren instead of Denerim? Would I have still been caught? If they had, they wouldn’t have taken me through Amaranthine and I might have spent another year in solitary or maybe they would have just made me Tranquil or finally executed me. If the Templars hadn’t caught me I’d be in Antiva or Tevinter by now. In either case, I wouldn’t have come to Kirkwall.”

_And I’d definitely be dead…along with half the city or more because of the Arishok…surely someone would have tried to do something…but…they did…_

“I think I see your point.” I draw my legs up under me, deep in thought. He squeezes my hand and stands to tend to the potion mixture. It’s odd to think that I had done what I could for Carver. That his death might have been a burden I placed on myself. Try as I might, I can find nothing wrong with his logic but even so, I am still partly responsible. For whatever reason they have chosen me as leader and they depend on me to get them through safely.

_Perhaps it’s not a matter of changing…but something I lack…_

I spend most of the rest of the day going over the most recent events in my mind, looking for patterns. Things similar to what he’s pointed out about Carver’s death and I must admit there are several instances where I feel I should have done better but there were no other options available at the time. It doesn’t help the way I feel about them much though. I’m also no closer to figuring out what I’m missing or what needs to change.

We are getting ready for bed when I ask again. “I’ve been thinking about what you said earlier.”

“And?” His shirt falls to the floor as I pull on my nightshirt.

“Is there something you can see…missing?”

He looks thoughtful as he unlaces his trousers and lets them fall to the floor. “You’re kind and skilled…confidence perhaps?”

_He thinks I’m skilled…should have met Father or Bethany…_

Silence falls as we snuggle together under the blankets. I’m tired but my mind is racing, wondering how one builds confidence. My thoughts wander after a while, too tired to think properly. I know he is still awake and I’m surprised by my next question.

“Why are you content?”

“Content with what, love?”

“No sex. Is there something I’m doing wrong?”

He snorts softly and his arms tighten around me for a moment before he answers. “No Garrett. You haven’t done anything wrong. I just didn’t think you were ready for that step. I’ve waited this long, a little more waiting isn’t going to kill me. Have you been waiting on me?”

“Sort of…I’ve heard the stories. I guess…I just …I don’t know.”

“Thought I’d be a little more eager?” His voice is wry and I rise up on my elbow to see him. “Love, you’ve no Idea how eager I am. But if you’re not comfortable, then it won’t be any fun.”

_Does he know how intimidating all that experience is…confidence…he says he’s eager…_

After a moment of thought, I lean down and give him a tentative kiss. I’m not sure if I’m ready but I’m also not sure I’ll ever be. He responds after a second of surprise, his hand moving restlessly along my side while the other runs through my hair. I close my eyes, trying to turn off my fear and nervousness as he deepens the kiss. This is nothing we haven’t done before, and it feels nice. I’m almost disappointed when he pulls away.

“You’re still nervous.” He gently pushes me onto my back and our positions are now reversed. “Tell me why you’re still nervous.”

“I want to make you happy but…”

“I am happy.” He smiles and brushes the back of his fingers across my cheek. “I don’t mind waiting.”

“I don’t think you should have to.”

He settles down onto the bed, his head resting on my chest. Under the blanket I can feel his knee resting on my thigh and he pulls the covers back up, letting his hand rest upon my chest. Unsure, I carefully put my arm around his shoulders and he sighs contentedly. This is usually the other way around, him holding me. His voice is quiet but firm when he speaks.

“Garrett, when was the last time you tugged yourself off?” I think for a long moment and realize I don’t remember. My silence is enough of an answer for him and he continues in the same quiet but firm tone. “Don’t worry about me. You’ve had a lot on your mind…don’t rush it. I promise I’ll be here when you’re ready.”

_I wonder if he does…he must have…I wonder what he thinks about …_

I can tell the subject is closed for now. As he drifts off, I lay awake. Not only has he given me a lot more to think about, this strange reversal of our usual sleeping positions throws me off a little. I guess I’ve gotten used to being held. Taking the comfort he offers even in sleep.

_Perhaps…even he needs this comfort sometimes…_

My eyes are closed but I’m not completely asleep. He is sleeping peacefully, breathing deep and regular, and my own starting to match his. I’m not sure why but I open my eyes for a second. I can see a blade over me, shining mutely in the dim firelight. There is no time to think, I simply react but I am fully awake in seconds.

I hold Anders tightly and push outward with my magic, us at the center. There are several loud crashes all around the room and I let him go as he wakes. We sit up quickly and more magic fills the room along with a soft blue glow from him. When there is nothing left moving but us, his glow dies and I cautiously make my way to the closest body.

“Dwarves. All of them.” He is across the room but his voice is clear with a strange mix of fear and anger.

I can feel a bit of anger welling inside me as well.

_Damn it all…who’ve I managed to cross this time…I haven’t even done anything…_


	7. Chapter 7

I never thought an attack would lead to so much personal information. The Carta, or an offshoot of the Carta really, worshiping a talking darkspawn. Sealed in a Warden prison by my very own father with…but I can’t deal with that right now. We haven’t made it back to Kirkwall yet and I’m very worried about Anders. I can’t help him if I break down as well.

_Not sure how I can help…but I have to…I shouldn’t have brought him in the first place…_

Seeing Larius, knowing that he could end up like that someday, is bad enough. But the talking darkspawn was much worse. A magister of old, one who supposedly caused the blights by daring to set foot inside of the Golden City. Knowing there might be some truth to that story has shaken him. It’s shaken me a little as well. Even that’s not the worst though.

Other than watching my mother die in my arms, I think attacking Anders is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Losing control of Justice again so soon after he almost killed that poor girl, that’s the worst. He wasn’t injured badly and it only happened once. It wasn’t just Justice though, that foul darkspawn was controlling him too. I think Justice tried to prevent it but Corypheus was simply too strong for either of them at that point. He didn’t respond to me like he did with the mage girl.

_Perhaps that’s what’s bothering him…_

Its night and we’re camped now. The four of us are sitting around the fire waiting for the stew to finish cooking. After so long underground seeing the stars are refreshing and I’m positive Varric and Aveline would agree with me. He probably would too if he weren’t so preoccupied. I don’t want to say anything in front of the others so I stay close to him.

_Can’t say I’m any less preoccupied than he is…trying to think of anything but…Father…_

After a silent meal watches are set, Varric first me last, and we retire to our bedrolls. We end up facing each other with our hands locked together. It is still some time before either of us sleep. When I wake next the sun is just below the horizon. Anders didn’t wake me for my watch. The others are still sleeping and I’m careful not to wake them as I make my way to the rock he’s sitting on.

He looks at me briefly as I sit close to him, his expression unreadable, and then looks back to the sun just peeking over the horizon. We are silent as we watch the sun rise, the eastern sky filled with oranges and yellows. It is halfway up before he speaks, quiet and sort of sad.

“Are you sure you want someone so dangerous.”

_I’ve never been more sure of anything else…despite any danger…but how do I tell him…_

Instead of speaking I put my arm around his shoulder and scoot closer until our hips touch. I simply can’t put into words what I feel. I hardly understand them myself. He leans into the embrace, resting his head on my shoulder. It strikes me then, how often this is reversed. Me leaning into his arms, taking the quiet reassurance and comfort he offers. He is generally the stronger of the two of us. Despite the turmoil just under the surface of my head and my heart, I’m glad I can be strong for him.

Neither of us speaks but I think he understands when he seeks my other hand. We watch the sun rise quietly together, fingers laced, until both Aveline and Varric are awake. He stands first and gives me a grateful smile. I can’t help but return it.

***

Father was often frustrated with me. More so after Bethany manifested I think. Everything Father taught us came so easy to her. I struggled to learn anything. It took so long for me to learn how to control my magic that I was the cause of a fair few of our many moves. I’ve always felt that I was a disappointment to both of my parents.

_Neither of them ever turned me in…they sometimes fought and often fled to keep me free…despite the frustration and disappointment, they had to have wanted me…_

It’s very hard for me not to think I was unwanted altogether. His words carried across time through unknown means…hurt. I remember when my magic manifested, how sad they both seemed. I can see it now but then I was just a frightened child who had done something no one else could. How different would I be without magic?

_Father called it a curse…Anders calls it a gift…even after all these years am I still frightened of it…_

Could I have been more like Carver if I hadn’t had to hide from nearly everyone? Could I have been bold and brash instead of shy and reserved because of my inability to control my magic when I was nervous or scared. I find myself wondering if it would have been any better if I had been turned into the circle. Would I be so confused now, if I had been raised among others like myself?

I can only compare myself to Anders and Merrill. He was raised among mages and listening to his stories of the circle, good and bad ones, I don’t think I would have fared any better there. I don’t know enough about the Dalish to know much more than I would have been shunned worse simply because I’m human.

Would I have been such a disappointment if I were more like Bethany? She was always so kind, so friendly. Bethany could always make anyone smile, she stood out, was well-liked by nearly everyone and no one knew her secret. All I could do was hide and hope no one noticed the funny things that always seemed to happen around me.

_Maker…it’s no wonder they were disappointed in me…_

After I finally managed to learn control we moved once more, to Lothering. It was there that I mastered the mask I show everyone. They all thought highly of Father so I tried to act like him. It worked, no one ever suspected how shy or nervous I was all the time. Father’s death, the blight, the ogre, Bethany’s death and Kirkwall…I don’t think anyone suspected how pathetically unsure I was all the time.

_I even had Mother and Carver convinced…_

Disappointed certainly but I don’t think entirely unwanted…at least I hope. The child Father’s ghost mentioned could only have been me. The things he did, that he was forced to do to keep Mother and me safe, and it’s hard to believe. Bethany and I were warned constantly about the dangers of blood magic. I never once saw him use it. I cannot deny the evidence.

_Not sure what to think…maybe that’s why he was so adamant about it…yes that must be it…_

Since we got back I’ve been able to think of nothing else. Anders has been a little busy because of his long absence but he’s still managed to find a few books that he’s obsessed with. I think he’s researching the blights, looking into the origins of the darkspawn. I’ve been keeping myself busy as well, trying to distract myself from thoughts of Father, my family and blood magic.

He has come home every night since we have returned. I’ll admit I was worried he wouldn’t. His doubts about hurting me haven’t been put to rest. I’m not sure they ever were. This simply brought them forward again and I still don’t know how I can properly express myself on that subject either. I have no doubts that Anders doesn’t want to hurt me. I don’t think he would have saved me so many times otherwise.

Even with my own doubts and fears I want to do something for him. He’s done so much for me. I don’t know what I could possibly do though. I don’t think he sees me standing in the doorway of the study. He’s too absorbed in his book. I try to stay quiet anyway as I walk further into the room. There’s no room for me to sit next to him in the chair so I sit in front of it instead, between his legs with my shoulder against the chair.

The pages of the book rustle as I rest my head against his knee and I can feel a hand going through my hair. “Hello love.”

“I didn’t mean to disturb you.”

“It’s all right. How are you feeling?”

_Tired of all this damn thinking…_ “Fine. I just wanted to be near you.”

“The last time you said that you were definitely not fine.” There is a touch of concern in his voice but his hand doesn’t stop running through my hair.

I smile as I look up at him. The book he was reading is balanced on the arm of the chair and he does look concerned. “I promise I’m all right. I’m just…tired of thinking.”

“What are you thinking about?” His other hand joins the first and I turn slightly so that I’m sitting on my feet, my chest against the chair. I hesitate a moment before I lay my arms next to his thighs, my hands close to his hips but not touching. I know he saw that brief pause but he only smiles down at me.

“Father…just wondering about…things…How are you?”

“Not getting anywhere very quickly with these books. All I can find is the Chantry’s version.”

He now looks as frustrated as I’ve been. It seems we’re both going in circles. Perhaps we could both use a distraction. I lean forward over his lap and rest my head against his stomach, pushing my hands under his bottom. I can hear a sharp little intake of breath from him and my heart pounds in my chest. I still don’t know if I’m ready but in a strange way it feels right.

His hands are still moving restlessly through my hair but he makes no move to get away. He doesn’t encourage me but he doesn’t protest either. I look up at him without moving and I have my answer. His bottom lip is being worried between his teeth but it’s his eyes, wide open and wanting, that encourages me. I move down a little nuzzling him through the trousers he wears. His length is growing stiff but now I’m not entirely sure what I should do. I didn’t close the door on the way in.

“Oh Maker, don’t stop.” There is a note of desperation in his voice and it makes me wonder when the last time he tugged off was.

“I…left the door open.”

“Would you be more comfortable if we went upstairs?”

_Maker yes…I want to do something…but definitely not where we’ll get caught…_

I only nod as I stand, helping him to his feet. He gives me a quick kiss and leads me out and up the stairs. My heart is pounding and there is a nervous flutter in my stomach but I think I’m excited too.


	8. Chapter 8

I wake slowly, warm and comfortable. He is pressed against my backside, our legs tangled together, very much like the first time I woke with him beside me. His arm is under the blankets this time, his hand draped over my stomach. I know he is also awake because he’s tracing the scar the Arishok left on my gut.

I feel no need to break the peaceful morning quiet. It was nothing like what I expected. Anders asked me what I wanted as soon as the door was closed behind us. I’ve known that for quite a while. There were only a few moments of uncomfortable pain but he was gentle and unhurried. It made me glad for all that experience he has. He made sure I enjoyed myself and it was clear that he did as well.

_Is it bad that I sort of want to do it again despite my slightly sore arse…I wonder…_

***

Life has fallen into a pleasant routine. I help in his clinic and sometimes I help Aveline with the guard. I have also gotten back into helping the citizens of Kirkwall like many of my friends have suggested. I can think of them as friends now. All of them see something worthwhile in me and while I still have no idea what it may be, I can accept it.

There are still bad days when everything seems to bother me but they are never as bad as before. I haven’t felt the need to hide from the world in a very long time. Anders is still with me and I think that’s a good part of why. His support and caring have been invaluable. I haven’t stopped searching but it doesn’t seem as important now as it did then.

As the years have passed and I’ve slowly gotten better, I find it odd and worrisome that Anders seems to be getting worse. His interest in freeing mages has spiked recently and I’m positive it’s because of Meredith. She won’t allow anyone in the Viscount’s seat and her methods have recently become worse. She is ruthless and brutal.

_I’m very glad he stopped me from turning myself over to that woman…_

Despite his wild mood swings he is still as attentive to me as he has been from the beginning. I’ve tried getting him to talk to me but he just smiles and says he’s fine then changes the subject. I’ll admit it hurts a little but I think I know how he felt when I wouldn’t talk to him. I can be patient and wait like he did.

_Sometimes it’s hard not to wonder what I’m doing wrong though…_

***

That woman is impossible. After that embarrassing scene in front of the Viscount’s Keep she has the gall to ask for my help? If she wasn’t the only leadership in this city I’d tear up her stupid letter and ignore it. I can’t imagine what she wants my help with but it can’t be anything good. Isabela’s back in Kirkwall. I went to the Hanged Man right after Grand Cleric Elthina dispersed the crowd that had gathered. I heard some of the nobles whispering that they wished I were Viscount.

_Perish the thought…makes me glad I’m a mage…_

I think Isabela’s still a little mad at me though I’m still not sure why. She’s offered to come with me however so she can’t be that angry. I’ll pick up her and Varric tomorrow before I go see what Meredith wants. Anders has insisted on coming with as well and I’m glad. That woman intimidates me but I refuse to be cowed by her.

***

I should have known she’d want me to hunt apostates. Telling her I wouldn’t do it didn’t work. She threatened my freedom, which we both know was a fairly empty one. Even though Elthina won’t do anything about her, taking their Champion away would have all the nobles in the city at her doorstep demanding her head I think. It was her threat to Anders that made me accept.

_He is protected only by my name and status…without him I probably would have died from the wounds the Arishok inflicted…the nobles have forgotten but I haven’t…_

I couldn’t do anything for two of them. Their stories were heartbreaking, especially the girl who gathered children orphaned because of the blight. I couldn’t help her but I have tried to help the children she gathered, gave Walter some coin for food and sent him to Bodahn. Hopefully he can find the older ones jobs.

The third was hardly the threat Meredith made him out to be. Emile de Launcet simply wanted to live, to do things that had been denied him because of the circle. I convinced him to leave Kirkwall and lied to Meredith. I don’t think she believed me but I also don’t care. Anders caused an argument with her and it really made her mad that I agreed with him.

_I’ll never agree with blood magic…Father may have been forced but he taught Bethany and me that there’s never a good enough reason to deal with demons…_

Things are getting tense in the city. I can almost feel something big coming.

***

Anders got home very late last night. His clothes were in a horrible state, dirty blood smeared and torn. He wouldn’t tell me what he was doing. It makes me wonder. He came home the other night smelling like he’d rolled in a chamber pot.

_I can’t imagine what he’s been doing…why won’t he tell me…_

***

_They’ve taken him…I have to get there…Dear Maker please let him be all right…I don’t want to watch him die in my arms…_

***

Mages and Templars working together, it’s almost too hard to believe. Anders was alive, thank the Maker. I can’t believe they would question me now. I’ve done nothing but try to help. It’s shaken me quite a lot. I can feel all those old doubts and fears, things that haven’t really bothered me for a long time trying to creep back in.

_There’s nothing wrong with me…it was a misunderstanding…there’s nothing wrong with me…_

***

_The Chantry…Maker’s Breath, look at the sky…Anders…my healer…why…_

The others are all gathered somewhere close by but Sebastian is standing by the steps. He’s furious and I can’t blame him. I know what he wants of me but I just can’t do it. This is just as personal for me as it is for him. I owe him so much more than my life. For long moments I just stand there and watch him, sitting on the crate. I can tell, after almost three years together, that he hurts. I step forward finally, knowing that there is little time to waste.

“Anders.”

“There is nothing you can say that I haven’t already said to myself. I took a spirit into my soul and changed myself forever to achieve this.”

_Death…but you were always about life…Sebastian wants death now…but I just can’t…_

“Come with me.”

He stands and turns. The surprised but hopeful look on his face is revealing. I think I finally understand what has eluded me since I woke with bandages wound tightly around my arms. His reasons for saving me then were as selfish as mine are for sparing him now. Anders didn’t have to help me, none of them did. They believed in me when I couldn’t believe in myself.

_Am I doing the right thing…Father had to do terrible things to keep Mother and me safe…_

The burden Anders has taken is so much more than two people. He is willing to die to see that the mages born tomorrow won’t have to live in fear like we did. I don’t know that his actions are right and there is no time to ponder now but, I don’t regret my choice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you've enjoyed this little bit of self-indulgence. I'm sorry if this last chapter seems rushed but there really is no quick cure for depression. It's taken me years to get over some of the feelings I've given to Hawke here. Every little mental conversation with himself wouldn't be very interesting to read. =)


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